Lingerie Horoscope

I know this is not a very original concept and I also know that I’ve already done something similar when I’ve talked about what your bag says about your personality, but I am firmly convinced that this post is going to be useful for a lot of you young souls lost in the huge underwear universe. I am not an horoscope believer and most of the times I skip it on Cosmo or Elle, BUT it’s just because it talks about crazy and abstract things like stars and planets (?!?). So I found myself thinking that there are a lot of things that influence my day more than a cold, distant planet. For example what I’m wearing. And underwear is so important, it is so close to us (in every sense), how can anyone not see how much it can be of influence in your life?! Think about that pair of lucky panties you had back in high school – we all had them, don’t even try to lie to me now – or the pretty bra you wear every time you have a date because it makes you feel so much more confident!
And I know this is a girl-only post, but give me a brake: I am a lady and sometimes I like to talk about lady stuff with my majestic gender sisters!

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Oh and also this whole post was inspired by the one and only Jenna Marbles‘ videos, who’s basically my spirit animal and if you’re one of the few people on Earth who does not know who she is, go immediately to YouTube, search for her and thank me later.

Let’s go!

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 Matching bra and panties will bring you a very polished and boring day with a twist of fortune, but not too much – you have something wrong with your priorities if you match your underwear every single day. You will order a salad for lunch and while waiting for the metro you’ll find five euros on the floor. Also tonight you’ll be able to wash the dishes before you’re favorite show stars.
Love: mah/10
Fortune: mah/10
Job: mah/10

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Lacy and girly Victoria’s Secret-ish bra and panties are going to bring you a confident and dazzling day until you realize how uncomfortable they are and start wishing to go to the bathroom to fix them every five minutes. If worn on a Monday you will start a diet and plan to get a gym subscription but you will change you’re mind after lunchtime and get sushi and edamame for dinner with a generous dose of red wine – you still are a classy lady.
Comfort: -16/10
Love: screw that I’m too uncomfortable for that
Job: 
oh crap I forgot my phone at work!

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Bralettes mean you’re going to have a boost in your Instagram followers thanks to an artful disposition of your piece of lingerie, a pair of sunglasses and a watch on a minimal white background.
Instagram popularity: 10/10
Exposed nipples: 100/10
Actual support: 0/10

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Very naive kinda childish, kinda of two years ago underwear will make you feel exposed and scared for no reason throughout the entire day. You will continually check if everything is still in place and that will attract unwanted attention and appreciation from an obnoxious colleague. Also you will receive a call from you’re mom on the way home which will make you question you’re life choices.
Awkwardness: 9999/10
Regrets: all of them
Job: can I go home now?

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Very sexy black lace lingerie means you’re planning something special for the night because no one wears this on a daily basis, no one.
Love: I see what you did here
Fortune: the money you spent on that Agent Provocateur corset
Happiness: but damn you feel like a diva in it!

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A swimsuit as a bra when it’s not summer means you have to change immediately. Now. Go. Quit reading this and go.
Love: I’m not even going to tell you
Fortune: are you seriously still here?!
Job: GO!

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body will make you feel constricted the whole day, it will stop you from eating that slice of pizza you wanted because it won’t fit in it and on the road home after work you will consider adopting a cat but then you’ll change your mind because you will remember that weird aunt of yours who lives with 11 felines.
Constriction: 10/10
Confidence: next question
Cats: meow

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retro piece of lingerie will make you feel like you are a character form Grease. You will have an obnoxious song stuck in your head the whole day and you’ll miss your pilates class because you’ll spend too much time hunting for a heart-locked necklace at the vintage market.
Retro vibes: 10/10
Possibility that your high wasted underwear will pop out of your jeans: high
Pin Up appeal: 10/10

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Thanks for reading, sharing and leaving a comment down below! Hope this made your day brighter and thank me later, I know I just basically predicted the future for you!

XXX

Lisa Cantore

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